I woke up to a horrid chainsaw this AM. I think that’s what it was; with vibrato it could’ve been Stephen Tyler. — @Trick_or_Tweet

I’d be happy to tell you where I’m going, but first you have to tell me where the hell I am. — @Brain_Wash

I miss when “your mom” jokes were just nasty, rather than the used up, twisted abstractions they’ve become. Same goes for your mom actually. —...

Camping in the wilderness. Which happens to be about 75 feet from my back door, or approximately as far as my wifi signal reaches. —@indecisiviously __–Camping in the wilderness. Which happens to be about 75 –feet from my back door, or approximately as far as my wifi signal...

I finally get the Eyjafjallajökull jokes! It’s funny because the letters don’t spell words I know, like ham and NASCAR. Good one, Internet. —...