Life is most definitely not like a box of chocolates. It’s more like 45,000 screaming fans at a Slayer concert when allergy season hits. — @janet_sanders

I didn’t run the Boston Marathon today but I did have to walk inside to fix the order the drive-thru messed up so I know how they feel. — @ruthakers

Today’s my wife’s birthday, so I spent most of it holding her purse while she shopped for clothes. No, my balls weren’t in there. I checked. — @Zaius13

As an iconoclast you can clast only so many icons before you yourself have been handily clasted by EVERYONE. — @willconley777

Just tried adding location to our tweets and the results were a mite too specific. Who wants to read “tweeted via a Shell public restroom?” —@macarchangel